“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got. Forgiveness isn’t easy but it’s the sunshine that allows you to grow”
My Dad has never really been there for me. He chooses to live 3000 miles away and has really kept his distance my whole childhood. Time is fragile and with every second, minute, month, year that passes is time you will never get back. For the longest time, I resented my Dad. I chose not to visit him or really even communicate with him. I was so hurt and almost ashamed that someone who is suppose to be so important in my life, would just leave. I was angry that my own father was content with how his relationship with his kids turned out. I was frustrated that he never made an effort to make a change. All that hurt, resentment and anger towards one person wasn’t healthy for me or anyone. It wasn’t doing anything for me and it sure wasn’t making things better.
It wasn’t until recently that this quote played a role in my life and attitude. Maybe it had to do with me maturing and growing up, I don’t know but sometimes you just have to accept that apology your never going to get. It simply just makes things easier. The biggest mistake someone can make it having high expectations because you just let yourself down. I finally came to the conclusion that the only person hurting and suffering was me. It just kind of hit me one day that there was no use in being angry or waiting for a long tearful conversation with numerous apologies and regrets. It wasn’t going to happen. However, everything is a choice and it was a choice for me to accept that wasn’t going to happen. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean you forget the crime but it means your ready to move past it
Within the last year, my Dad and I have stepped foot into a new relationship. He came to California for my graduation and then in September to visit me at Chapman, something that never would have happened before. I planned a trip out to New York this winter to visit him for a week. I know I have changed and by doing that for myself, I allowed him a second chance to be someone different. I want him to be my Dad but that would be impossible to get if my anger and distance stood in the way.
I know things aren’t perfect and I know there is time that he missed that I can never redo but I am happy to see things progressing. I know this has changed me forever but I also know that accepting this apology that wasn’t going to happen, has taken a huge weight off my shoulder. There is nothing I want more than to have a strong, healthy relationship with my own father.
“We run when we’re scared, we run when we’re ecstatic, we run away from our problems and run around for a good time.” –Christopher McDougall
This quote was taken directly from last weeks reading in the second chapter of Born to Run, and for me it meant more than its literal meaning. The author embedded this phrase into his writing for the literal and metaphorical impact on the reader. As he talks about how running has affected him, he explains that running is part of our everyday life and is essential in his personal lifestyle. As human beings, when we are scared or threatened by a certain situation, we are taught to run and flee the area. When we are excited, we run around to express our joy or purely to have a good time.
However, the metaphorical connotation derived from these words stood out to me even more. The parallel structure and repetition of this sentence caught my eye and created emphasis. It made me reread the sentence over, even highlight it and think about it. It is inevitable that we do literally run in all these scenarios, but it also portrays our natural instinct to escape reality at times. We “run” around to have a good time so we persuade ourselves that we are happy. We tend to try to dodge our problems, and avoid them at all costs because it is simply easier. We want to hide when we are scared because it is safer. The author portrays the good and the bad associated with our instinct of running as a human kind and it was an interesting concept to see how one action can have several meanings.
This sentence, in particular, stood out because I can closely relate to it. I find myself constantly running, never just static and content. I often run around all the time looking for something and forget what I have. This is true with a lot of people because sometimes “running” is just easier.
Can passion really be defined? Are we born with our passions or do they arise as we grow old?
I envy those with passions, those who can have the worst day and be brought instant happiness when they practice what they love to do. My friend’s passion is singing. Whenever she is on the verge of tears, singing can build her up. The power of passion is so great. It lifts the soul with courage, strength and happiness. Passions can broad from singing to sports, knitting to kites. They are what you make them to be.
I always wondered what my passion was. When I was having a hard time, I wanted that one thing to fall back on that could make everything just a little bit better: something that I truly loved to do. I played softball and soccer for years but I gave those up without hesitation. It wasn’t until recently that I actually did have a passion but I didn’t realize the power of it until it was gone.
I was an equestrian; I rode horses for most of my childhood. It came naturally to me and I remember the exact swaying on the back of the horse, with the wind hitting your face and rushing through your hair. The feeling as if you were free, riding with no worries. It was my favorite feeling and my greatest joy. The connection your make with your horse resembles a best friend. Together, we went riding bareback on the beaches, trail riding and then to competitions, even made it to the state fair.
I hadn’t realized what I gave up until it was long gone. I stopped horseback riding in my sophomore year of high school because I wanted to focus on my traveling soccer. However, like I said that ended shortly before my senior year due to coach and team downfalls.
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t miss the memories and my horse. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t miss the wind in my hair and the sway of the ride.
Everyone goes to college to get that “college experience”, to have some of the best times of their life and share memories that will never be forgotten. One of the many things I learned coming into college is not to have high expectations. For me, college wasn’t all that I thought it would be. My friends from home were enjoying every minute of the time away from home, away from nagging parents and away from the stupid high school drama, but that was exactly what I missed. My mom is my best friend and my family means everything to me that being away from them was harder than I imagined.
My first semester was harder than I thought it would be. I missed the comfort of home. I missed my true friends. I felt the people walked around here kept to themselves and didn’t have a true intention of making life long friends. I kept to myself last semester and just tried to count down the days until I could go home. I called my mom countless times in tears trying to just make it through the end of the day. Often, I didn’t know how I was going to get through this. I often wondered, when was going to be enough?
I looked into transferring, even going to the junior college back home. The differences between the people and culture from home and Southern California was a shock. It almost feels as if Northern California and here shouldn’t be considered the same state. It was some of the hardest months because I didn’t feel comfortable in my new environment and my mind was stuck in unresolved issues from home. I finally made it through the fall semester and was so ecstatic to go home for six weeks and have all my friends and family reunited for the time being. I got the opportunity to let things go from a past relationship and was actually feeling excited to return to Chapman. I had an open mind and wanted to give it another try, not only another try, but my best try this time. I have only been here for five days but I can honestly say I haven’t been this happy in months. I have a new mindset, almost like a fresh start and I am excited for the opportunity to establish new beginnings this semester.