“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got. Forgiveness isn’t easy but it’s the sunshine that allows you to grow”
My Dad has never really been there for me. He chooses to live 3000 miles away and has really kept his distance my whole childhood. Time is fragile and with every second, minute, month, year that passes is time you will never get back. For the longest time, I resented my Dad. I chose not to visit him or really even communicate with him. I was so hurt and almost ashamed that someone who is suppose to be so important in my life, would just leave. I was angry that my own father was content with how his relationship with his kids turned out. I was frustrated that he never made an effort to make a change. All that hurt, resentment and anger towards one person wasn’t healthy for me or anyone. It wasn’t doing anything for me and it sure wasn’t making things better.
It wasn’t until recently that this quote played a role in my life and attitude. Maybe it had to do with me maturing and growing up, I don’t know but sometimes you just have to accept that apology your never going to get. It simply just makes things easier. The biggest mistake someone can make it having high expectations because you just let yourself down. I finally came to the conclusion that the only person hurting and suffering was me. It just kind of hit me one day that there was no use in being angry or waiting for a long tearful conversation with numerous apologies and regrets. It wasn’t going to happen. However, everything is a choice and it was a choice for me to accept that wasn’t going to happen. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean you forget the crime but it means your ready to move past it
Within the last year, my Dad and I have stepped foot into a new relationship. He came to California for my graduation and then in September to visit me at Chapman, something that never would have happened before. I planned a trip out to New York this winter to visit him for a week. I know I have changed and by doing that for myself, I allowed him a second chance to be someone different. I want him to be my Dad but that would be impossible to get if my anger and distance stood in the way.
I know things aren’t perfect and I know there is time that he missed that I can never redo but I am happy to see things progressing. I know this has changed me forever but I also know that accepting this apology that wasn’t going to happen, has taken a huge weight off my shoulder. There is nothing I want more than to have a strong, healthy relationship with my own father.